Odd Spirits: Three Penis Wine

Anyone familiar with the excellent TV series “The League” is going to recognize Three Penis Wine as the crazy idea from Taco to market the ‘world’s finest three penis wine’ in the greater Chicago area. But, it’s not just a one-off TV joke; three penis wine exists, and it’s exactly what you might expect.

While it may seem like any of the dozens of rice wine bottles available in a Chinese grocery, three penis wine is particularly of note. Labelled as “Tezhi Sanbian Jiu,” it translates to “three penis wine” and contains seal penis, deer penis and Cantonese dog penis.

Why would anyone want to consume a beverage of not one, but three, different penis’? Ancient Chinese medicine has long used animal penis as all-natural Viagra for centuries, and so naturally there was bound to be a variant that combines getting drunk with getting horny. There’s even warnings that young boys shouldn’t drink it because they’re not ready, and adult men shouldn’t have too much.

What does three penis wine taste like? Well it’s something along the lines of  an expired port, with a pungent vinegar taste and some prune juice; and if you thought you’d get away with not tasting the three different penis profiles, you thought wrong.

There really isn’t any practical application for three penis wine outside of the novelty of it, or if you really believe in the fertility aspect of consuming animal dong. It does not work in cocktails (really just overpowers any possible combinations) and no one should consume more than just a sip of this concoction.

If you truly are interested in tasting the weirdest of the weird, three penis wine can generally be found in select Chinese grocers. It’s sold on the shelves as it’s classified as more of a natural herbal drink than alcohol. But honestly, don’t drink this, it’s not good (but that should be fairly obvious already).